ROSEBUD – CHAPTER 14

I’m glad I’m a happily married man and like seven hundred years older than Rosebud Baker, because if not I’d probably make such a fool of myself over her if we ever met. She’s so much like the type of woman I used to jump onto the tracks for. Again, that’s if I ever met her because I’ve haven’t and I have no idea what she’s like in person. She just makes me laugh really hard, writes great, dark, jokes, I love the way she thinks, and yes, I’m sorry, this makes me terrible, I know, but she’s beautiful. You’re not supposed to say that anymore. You’re not supposed to see women’s beauty. Especially not women comics. It’s sexist, and even racist, and somehow or another, homophobic.

I DON’T SEE COLOR

Remember; ‘I don’t see color’? It also now; ‘I don’t see ‘hot.’

GUY IN THE LOBBY ASKING A GUY WHAT HE THOUGHT OF THE COMIC’S SHOW;

‘Comedian was great, right?’

‘..Great, yeah, just great..’

‘Kind of hot too, right?’

‘ What? No. I didn’t even know she was female. I swear. I watched the whole show focused on the work. I purposely didn’t assign they/them a gender. It didn’t feel right.’

Well, I’m sorry. When a comic is great looking on this level and truly funny, I’m bringing it up in the opening paragraph. I know, I’m damaged. Someone needs to take me out back and shoot me. She’s also got a mid-seventies TV star vibe like she could have been the last woman that went head to head with Elizabeth Montgomery in auditions only to lose out the role of Samantha in Bewitched. She could have gotten the role of Bill Bixby’s wife in any show he was ever in.

PERSON MORE ADJUSTED THAN I AM READING THIS;

‘I don’t see hypothetical acting scenarios.’

But here’s the thing, Rosebud’s flat-out funny. She’s joke to joke funny. Dynamically clever and, you can feel in her as well a joy in the work and the hours she’s put into it. She’s working the craft in a poised traditional way and giving it her own spin. A dark vibe that you really have to just go with.

ROSEBUD; So, I have one sister who’s a nurse. And, I know I was giving the healthcare heroes shit earlier, but I do want to say this on her behalf. Nobody appreciates nurses as much as they do.

Now, it’s not that what they’re doing isn’t heroic, because it is. It is a heroic thing. They’re heroes. They’ll tell you that too. And they never, ever, shut the fuck up.

Don’t ever ask a nurse how her day went. No, because you’re gonna get a story, and it’s going to ruin yours. I called my sister. Hey, how’s your day? She was like, ‘it was pretty rough.’ Surprise!

I took the bait. I was like, ‘what happened? She goes, ‘I had to pull the plug on my favorite patient.’ ‘Jesus Christ, you’re favorite patient’? ‘What do you do to the ones you don’t like?’

I’ll tell you who Rosebud reminds me of from the time when I was starting in stand-up; Michael Keaton. I know it’s a strange comparison, and some weren’t aware Mike started as a comic but if you watch The Comedy Store doc, he did, and we go into it.

He also had a similar instantly likable stage presence. He had good looks and a sense of intelligence that rather than turning the crowd cold to him, made them comfortable with wherever he wanted to take them.

Also, I don’t know if I read this or someone told me this, but I think Rosebud started as an actress and has a lot of acting chops much like Keaton did, which makes a lot of sense. She’ll probably end up doing a lot of film and T.V. work and you never know if she sticks with stand-up. If it’s only a vehicle to get her into acting and she’ll move on as others have, or she’ll stick with it which can be really tough with the demands of a successful acting career. I know Rosebud claims that she’ll always keep doing stand-up, has compared it to “spending 12 years in medical school just to become a witch doctor”. Which is a good line, but life can sometimes be a sharp stick in your front spokes going downhill.

(*After a short break from the weight of writing too many analo- gies in a row…)

HER GRANDPA

The other reason Rosebud and Keaton kind of remind me of each other, and this may just be me being stupid, which is, as have I said, is a common occurrence, is the fact that her grandfather was James L. Baker the former Secretary of State for Bush sr. and a major inside Washington player for just about everybody. Michael’s father I think, I heard somewhere was also a pretty big deal in the CIA. (Either that or he owned Wayne Enterprises and was gunned down in an alley. It was one or the other. You see how they muddy up the truth, these people?)

The thing with Rosebud’s grandfather being James Baker is true though. For sure.

If you’ve ever seen her in a men’s three-piece suit and a tie and her hair cut really short and wavy, greased and slicked back, and she was leaning against a window that looked like something in the Oval Office you’d go, ‘Damn. She is his granddaughter. Damn, that’s spooky, the resemblance.’

If you want to get into her stand-up though, watch ‘Whiskey Fists’. It’s a Comedy Central special, that I love. She has a lot of other good stuff up on Youtube and around but start with that special. It’s well done, well shot, lit, directed and the material is excellent.

WHISKEY FISTS

ROSEBUD; So I recently went through a breakup. I’m killing it. Battling a 1,000. It’s my year. So let’s see, my cat died, my dog died, my boyfriend left, and oh, I started fucking a DJ which is somehow worse than all three of those things.

Like, I’m about to make a lot of mistakes. Forget about fucking a guy with a neck tattoo. I’m about to get one.

It’s fun though. It’s fun to be crazy. I’m being such a whore. It’s fantastic.

Truly, I’m so empty. If a man came inside of me right now, he could hear the echo.

I’ve been through too much. Like, I’ve just gotten to that point in my life where it’s like yeah, I’m not gonna, I don’t know. I’m not going to pretend to gag on your dick. It’s not like I haven’t been, swallowing bigger disappointments since the day I was born. I’m 33. I’ve outlived, Jesus. I’m not going to eat your ass. ..Unless it tastes like a book deal. We can maybe work that out because that’s on my vision board.

But this is why I want to get married.

I was desperate to get married. Oh my God, to my last boyfriend? So bad. It was like, I didn’t want to meet a new person. I didn’t ever want to date again, you know?

I just was jerking him off all the time. Like I was banging on a vending machine. It was aggressive. That’s probably why I’m not married. To be honest I probably should have just blown him more. At least that’s what my grandma said. She’s a huge whore, my Grandma.

Just kidding. She’s dead.

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